8 Years

It's been 2.5 years and she is still unable to express in her own words the 8 years lost that she can never get back.

Intervention-Arcade Fire

The king's taken back the throne.
The useless seed is sown
When they say they're cutting off the phone
I'll tell 'em you're not home

No place to hide
You were fighting as a soldier on their side
You're still a soldier in your mind
Though nothing's on the line

You say it's money that we need
As if we're only mouths to feed
I know no matter what you say
There are some debts you'll never pay

Working for the church
While your family dies
You take what they give you
And you keep it inside
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home
Hear the soldier groan, "We'll go at it alone"

I can taste the fear
Gonna lift me up and take me out of here
Don't wanna fight, don't wanna die
Just wanna hear you cry

Who's gonna throw the very first stone?
Oh! Who's gonna reset the bone?
Walking with your head in a sling
Wanna hear the soldier sing

Working for the Church
While my family dies
Your little baby sister's
Gonna lose her mind
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home
Hear the soldier groan, "We'll go at it alone"

I can taste your fear
It's gonna lift you up and take you out of here
And the bone shall never heal
I care not if you kneel

We can't find you now
But they're gonna get their money back somehow
And when you finally disappear
We'll just say that you were never here

Been working for the church
While your life falls apart
Singing hallelujah with the fear in your heart
Every spark of friendship and love
Will die without a home
Hear the soldier groan, "We'll go at it alone"
Hear the soldier groan, "We'll go at it alone"

Her Lost Independence

4 days. She has 4 days of each week to conquer the world, to learn new things, to enrich her life and the lives of those around her. She has all of everything that Montreal has to offer to see the formerly mentioned achieved. And yet, *sigh*, she knows no one to do any of those things with. Her crutch, her husband, works hours completely opposite of hers, leaving for work as she wakes, his weekend is her working days. It is so much of what she has wanted for so many years: time unhindered by any outside force. Being able to be alone. And to be able to be alone guilt-free, not having the feeling that someone dear to her is needing her time and thoughts, no one or thing being neglected due to such a selfish longing, as desiring complete alone-ness.

And complete alone-ness she has. Having always prided herself on her stark independence, her need to do everything in life without the aid of others, her ability to fill her life with duties and life's-demands to keep everyone on the sidelines looking in, she is surprised at how quickly her foundation crumbled the moment the one person invited in this life of hers was momentarily removed. She never realized how much she depended on this one person until he was no longer there. How many times she had inadvertently blamed him, even resented him, he was her scape-goat for all the dreams that she had not yet accomplished. She knows those theories are askew. She just needed someone or something to blame. She herself can't take the fall for her "lack-of". She is strong and independent. With her desire of complete alone-ness now in hand, her truth is realized, she is not that strong independent girl that she once was-who once awed her little community with all her talents and achievements. She is now half of who she and her husband are together, and without the other half, she finds it difficult, intimidating even, to simply just walk alone in this new city of hers.

She is thankful for this lonely time in her life. It is what she has deeply desired for many years, her chance to prove to herself that she is still that strong and independent girl with all the potential she had in her 1st 20 years. The startling realization of just how much of this "prized" independence she has lost has caused her to stumble a little. But she is regaining bits and bits of who she was through the tiny baby steps of simply walking out of her condo alone, of each run through the streets and parks of Montreal. Perhaps it will next be a movie, or a book in a coffee shop. But until she has conquered leaving her house with confidence and purpose, she will have to be ok for not having yet conquered the world. After-all, it really is only 4 days.