Pumpkin spiced latte, dimly lit corner, and looking sexy in new tan heeled boots guilt-bought by mom during her recent visit. Laptop, check. Water, check. Little cakes, check. Everything in place for me to deal with the mountain of neglected reading, (some of my readings are posted online, hence the laptop). I'm so distracted. And the swirly feeling in my head and shakiness of my hands are telling me that my decaf is not exactly decaf (that's going to be an awesome add to the cocktail of cold medicines I'll be taking tonight).

There is a couple adjacent to me staring each other down. A good-looking couple, the man, his arms crossed, also seemingly distracted when he's not looking through his companion. The woman has started to talk and gesture, breaking their silence. The man's disinterest remains unchanged. His eyes however, begin to roam.

*sigh* Congested sinuses are not making the prospect of diving into the dissection of Freud's Oedipal Complex by differing feminists any less daunting. I am taking three classes this semester. Three classes which could not be more affecting to me. My Philosophy course, Intro to Feminist Theory, and two Religious Studies courses: Jesus of Nazareth and Bible and Western Culture. Each class leaves me emotionally, spiritually and intellectually beaten down.

I suppose I don't have the time or focus to detail why that is, one day perhaps I will but for now I guess I must read.

In lofty pools darkness lays
the unsuspecting feign
hearts of silence its essence soft
Loud shards of glass they prey
Mother's dead, father's hurt, brother lies while sister turns
hollow are the walls that seal them all away

Quiet is the night when lonely is the terror
fire lights the phantom up
its secret in its halo
who is here to unlock this death
this path they call straight and narrow
when all that's seen is
truth hiding behind a veil

Armies fight a family war
moralities upright vengeance
screaming adults with prayers that mar
turning back meant only for cowards
no one can beat this
this battle in the fringes
as a handful of patriots stand
looking only for their salvation

I live in perpetual self hatred over the things that spew from this mouth of mine. My brain, my actions, are in disconnect. Self control: non-existent. Forever shuddering over past words, memories of things said and done and written. No take-backs. Can't run fast enough, can't run far enough. Recent past, the whispers shout back at me. Just so fricken tired of being misunderstood.