I suck at days off.  I wake up and- well that's about it, I wake up.  I'm not used to them.  The normal things people do, I forgot how.  Friends, I have acquaintances.  I took a short intensive french course which finished a couple of weeks ago.  It served basically as a depressant for my grade point average.  However, it gave me something to do, structure.  I loved my class.  My best friend was a 19 year old 2nd generation Indian girl.  We both liked Eminem, only she was proud of that fact while I usually keep that one a secret.  I finished most of her statements (regarding herself) asking if it was an Indian thing.  She'd second guess her laughter.  There's something refreshing about being blatantly politically incorrect bordering on sounding racist.  Montreal and working in her service industry did that to me.

I miss my french class, not the stress of not having enough time to keep up with all that was involved in learning, but the dynamic.  I was in high school again, only this time I was the really cool kid.  My first two semesters of university I was intimidated and felt I wore on my forehead a giant sticker which read OLD.  I slipped in and out of class hoping to stay invisible and off anyone's radar.  Perhaps it was the changing of my life's circumstances to much less stressed which caused me to relax and not care I was a good 15 year senior to most in my class.  Perhaps it was having a friend who laughed at virtually everything I said, who was excited to see me stumbling in late each morning, ensuring my seat near the door was always free for me.  Or perhaps it was just having something to do and a place to be while I drank my coffee.  I did horrible in this class by the way, and I don't usually do horrible in things, especially those I try at.  I think that was another reason I was able to enjoy my time, I gave up on expecting strong results from myself.  I reasoned with understanding that I was too busy and still recovering from a past year gone terribly wrong.

With my summer semester finished, I have gaping holes in my schedule.  Holes I'm tempted to fill through picking up more shifts at work, or finding a second job, but I know that that's band-aiding something I need to face. My loneliness.  My direction-less-ness.  My stubbornness in not visiting my family, especially my dad, especially now when days remaining to visit are questioned.  Returning to Kamloops, and dealing with my past and my things.  My not wanting to look at realities grim face.  My wanting to force myself and my choices into a tight tight corner until there are no choices left to be made.  I need to be stronger now and not let time diminish opportunities and possibilities.  I need to kill all my excuses that keep me here watching the hands of the clock tick-tock minutes and hours and months away.  I need courage to make the hard choices.  To say strongly nos and yeses, vs the shrug and let lets see what happens.

I am avoiding going home.  I am not saying no when I should and my yeses quiver with unsurities.  I'm not diving into anything but leisurely paddle-boating around thinking I'm moving but when really it's a paddle boat in a duck pond...I'm going nowhere.  I'm afraid to see my dad, my family, my past. I've been using money as an excuse.  Which is horrible, especially for me.  I've always refused that to be an obstacle for anything. Hell I've always refused obstacles.  I feel I may finally have the strength to stand and move, to not have to fill my every free moment with work.  Only the journey I must go on is not one looking forward/ahead, but backwards and it's terrifying to me.