Alas, I am in Paris. Je l’aime. Outside le Gare Nord, everything is familiar. I remember the train stations well. And again I wonder why I thought it was a good idea to purchase the eurorail pass. Well I did. I held up a ticket agent for easily a 1/2 hour if not more humming and hawing over whether to take the plunge and force myself into train travel. I now have 10 days of train use until August 4th. Planning has its merits. Decisions have  never been my forte. I am sure they were at one time. I used to be so strong headed and focused. Christianity changed that on me. All of a sudden decisions had an eternal impact and my choices were to reflect the will of the almighty God, the creator of the universe. Ya there’s no pressure in that, my poor 18 year old self who hated disappointing a random stranger let alone the Alpha and Omega. I went from someone once strongly self-assured to frozen in the face of any choice. I remember meeting a newly re-born again Christian, just after myself having become newly born again. She had grown up in a solid Christian family, her grandfather and brother were both missionaries and ‘godly men’. She was exuberant about her relationship with Jesus, she and Jesus were tight. She talked how she would discuss her morning breakfast choices with God... It seemed rather excessive to me, that God would take the time to advise me on whether to have a bowl of Cherio’s or an omelet, but who was I to argue with this one friend who had an obvious history of spiritual superiority over myself. 

And so began the beginning of the demise and distrust of my inner voice. Discovering that God cared about every menial choice propelled me to a learning curve to become an expert hearer of God. I disciplined myself to prayer, reading every book I could find, whether it was two weeks old or two hundred years old. Surprisingly enough, little has changed regarding the spiritual disciplines of Christianity and the interpretation of scripture throughout the past hundreds and even thousand years. I fasted. I meditated on ‘the word’, attended conferences, and surrounded myself with like-minded people. I became a pro. Regarding what I heard, or saw, or felt in those times I considered myself in the presence of God, with messages either to myself, or to others, is beyond my ability to rationalize, and so we shall not talk about it anymore.

Anyways, I am back on the path of self-discovering. God discovery turned out to be not all that ‘Godly’ in the end. Only self-seeking man could make the rules I imprisoned myself to. Utterly buried, between Christianity and marriage I was lost beneath gender-scripted roles and doctrine I had grown aware I was not to question. 

I think that that’s what has been empowering the determination behind my trip. It’s not so much a vacation I am seeking, or the adventure of discovering new countries and people, but the adventure of discovering myself. Relearning to make decisions again-and to be proud of them. To get my personality back, my freedom and independence. To only do what I want to do, to spend money on a coffee if I wanted a coffee, to drink a glass of wine not judged-freedoms I never seemed to have in my 10 years of marriage and Christianity. 

I cannot seem to finish an entry when I start. I started writing this when I arrived into Paris. I am now 3 days(?) since, on a train leaving Cologne towards Venice. I spent that morning sitting in the sun on a Parisian terrace drinking allonges and eating croissants. I probably had enough time to tour a museum or visit the Eiffel tower, but I chose instead to enjoy the sun outside the train station. To allow my waiter to flirt with me kindly while I practiced my French--he guessed right away that I was from Montreal. I truly am allowing myself to enjoy every moment.